So we have to start looking at reasons for having sex that are not based in horniness

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This is also true for people in their twenties and thirties. gay hookup apps iphone And also it’s not just a woman’s problem. It does tend to be women who will talk about it more, but I know certainly that men experience it, they just don’t talk about it as much.

So while on one side, we have this new era of romance culture that is whispering in one ear, sitting on one shoulder saying, “Find the right person. Don’t settle for less. Find your soul mate. Be with the perfect partner.” All this kind of stuff. And then on the other side is all this information about, you know, you have to have an explosive sex life. It has to be this, it has to be that. You have to have multiple orgasms and it has to be amazing. And then also the message for women is you have to be empowered. You have to feel amazingly confident every time you take your pants off.

You’re texting, you’re calling, you’re sending each other sexy photos

Cyndi: The notion of sort of desire and libido being something that exists within us, that these things are natural, that they just emerge out of nowhere is because for some people, some of the time that is true. And often that is being referred to as spontaneous desire where you see somebody on the train or you see somebody at a party or whatever, and you just think, oh wow, they’re hot. I wanna fuck them. That’s fantastic.

Cyndi: I think a lot of people internalize that idea and, believe that something is wrong because when you first start dating somebody and there’s that first flush there, and you can’t keep your hands off of each other and you get so excited about seeing each other and, you know, people call that spontaneous desire and maybe it is spontaneous desire, but I also wanna posit that when you’re dating somebody you’re not living together. You’re making a lot of plans to see each other. You’re booking tickets to events and you’re booking reservations at restaurants.

So the trouble with sort of these historical understandings of sex and sort of what makes us get in the mood is when we would think, oh, we’ll just find something that we like and do lots of that.

And then the desire comes afterwards. Absolutely. And again, for a lot of people, desire will happen 20 or 30 minutes into the sex. So the notion of good sex needing to be led by desire is a myth because for a lot of people, desire happens after the good sex has already started.

I mean, again, we understand from a science point of view, that desire can happen before sex happens

If anxiety plays a seemingly unhelpful role in your desire or sex life – which is also common – Cyndi recommends working with someone who specializes in somatics. Therapies and practices that can help us not only manage or cope with difficult emotions, but get more in touch with pleasure.

Cyndi: There’s no sensation going on. So the practice of being able to feel your body, being able to feel your skin, being able to feel things like pressure and sensation and weight and temperature and texture and all of these kinds of things.

Cyndi: But you have to pay attention to the clues that your body has been giving you. And if you’re not paying attention to your body, if you’re not paying attention to your feelings, and you’re only stuck in the sort of in the anxious thoughts, then you might miss a lot of vital information, and I’m not saying that to shame anybody. I’m saying that to say, hey, it’s kind of like wrong way. Go back. It’s over here, move in a different direction. Start paying attention to your body. Start paying attention to when sex has been good, historically, because that’s gonna give you some of the clues you need to move in a helpful direction to go forward.

Learn more about Cyndi Darnell and her work at cyndidarnell . Click the books tab (or the link in the show notes) to save 30% on her book, Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire.